The key to revision is the willingness to RE-SEE and to shred the current draft. Revising doesn’t mean adding or deleting a sentence. It means being willing to start over. Please read through this demonstration.
Example Original Text of a student draft
Unit 1, Task 24 from Swales and Feak
1)Turkey is located in a region that is shaken by severe earthquakes. 2) They occurred almost every year. 3) Central Anatolian Fault Zone is one of the most active fault zones in the world, and it lies along the northern part of the country, going from southeast to northwest. 4) The reason of that most of these severe earthquakes causes a lot of damage and death of many people is not only the nature of the fault zone, but also that there are many cities and highways settled on it.
5) Because many cities have been built on or within the vicinity of geologic fault. 6) They are unquestionably prone to earthquakes. 7) There are many earthquakes each year. 8) The most serious damage occurred in August 1999. 9) It affected a big area and caused approximately 20,000 people death and millions dollars physical damage in three cities. 10) Too prevent such big damage and loss in the future, researchers have been researching the 1999 earthquake. 11) They looked at the excellent seismic records from recording stations near the epicenter of earthquake and saw that there were signs of earthquake. 12) They might help to develop some early warning systems to be aware of the upcoming shakings. 13) Even these can make warnings as short as 10 seconds before the shakings, if there is a well-planned evacuation plan, they may, at least, help to decrease the death toll of an earthquake.
Advisor’s comments
Although overall I understand the message the you want to convey, I think it would help to add some more information in a few spots and try to combine sentences so that the piece is less wordy. What is the focus of the piece? Sentence 9 in particular is rather vague. Can you be more precise about ‘a big area’ and the 3 cities that were damaged? Should you give the names and the cost of the damage in each?
After reading the advisor’s comments, the student must now revise. Which of the following is a better revision?
Revision 1
(1-3)Turkey is shaken by severe earthquakes almost yearly because the extremely active North Anatolian Fault zone runs from southeast to northwest in the northern part of the country. (8)The most serious damage occurred in August 1999 killing 20000 people and creating $6-20 billion in damage. (10 & 11) Researchers have been able to use the excellent seismic records from near the epicenter of 1999 to determine signs of an impending quake. (12) These signs can be used to develop an early warning system. (13) A warning even as short as 10 seconds before a quake could decrease the death toll if there were an evacuation plan.
Revision 2
1&2) Turkey is located in a region that is shaken by severe earthquakes that occur almost every year. 3) The North Anatolian Fault Zone is one of the most active fault zones in the world, and it lies along the northern part of the country, going from southeast to northwest. 4) These severe earthquakes cause a lot of damage and death not only because of the nature of the fault zone, but also that there are many cities and highways settled on it.
5) Because many cities have been built on or within the vicinity of geologic fault. 6) They are unquestionably prone to earthquakes. 7) There are many earthquakes each year. 8) The most serious damage occurred in August 1999. 9) It affected locations up to 70 miles from the epicenter and caused approximately 20,000 people death and 6-20 billion dollars in physical damage in the cities of Istanbul, Izmit, Gölcük, Yalova, and Adapazarı. 10) Too prevent such big damage and loss in the future, researchers have been researching the 1999 earthquake. 11) They looked at the excellent seismic records from recording stations near the epicenter of earthquake and saw that there were signs of earthquake. 12) They might help to develop some early warning systems to be aware of the upcoming shakings. 13) Even these can make warnings as short as 10 seconds before the shakings, if there is a well-planned evacuation plan, they may, at least, help to decrease the death toll of an earthquake.